Meet 3 local groups fighting men’s loneliness in Maine
When Mark Miller retired from being an elementary school teacher, he struggled with a loss of identity and sense of purpose. That’s when he turned to the other members of the Sacoppee Valley Men’s Group, which formed two years ago as a place for older men in western Maine to connect.
“It was very helpful to have them there to listen and reflect back and share their experiences,” Miller said.
Miller’s group is one of three across the state that spoke to The Maine Monitor about their approach to bringing together men who are 65 and older, a population that experiences high rates of loneliness, isolation and suicide.
The Sacoppee Valley Men’s Group formed in 2023 after two men contacted the Grateful Undead, an organization that helps people in Maine’s southwestern foothills find resources and support to stay in their home as they age. The men were seeking a place to confide in other men about their respective struggles with memory loss and caregiving for their spouse, Miller said.
The group now meets every Tuesday morning in Porter to talk about their lives and any recent challenges. They have strict guidelines to ensure everyone gets time to share because, as Miller said with a laugh, they’ve all served on different committees throughout their lives and know what makes a good meeting.
They have another rule to avoid politics — not to avoid conflict but because they noticed they turned to political discussions when the personal topics became too uncomfortable.
“So we decided, no, we're going to stick with what makes us uncomfortable because that's probably what is more important,” he said.
Over time, their group has decreased from 12 members down to six. Some dropped out; one had to stop when his memory loss worsened; and one member died. It was hard to see a friend die, Miller said, but the group provided a place to talk about it ahead of time and support each other.
“That kind of frames a lot of the discussion,” he said. “Your time scale is different when you get into your 70s and 80s.”
Men in particular struggle to open up with each other, he said, and those feelings of isolation and despair can lead to depression.
In Maine, this is a particular challenge. More older Mainers died by gun suicide between 2009 and 2023 than they did in car crashes. Nationally older white men are dying at higher rates of gun suicide than any other group.
One of the most valuable benefits of the men’s group is finding out you’re not alone, Miller said.
“Everything that you're going through, somebody else has gone through and is probably going through it now,” he said. “And by sharing whatever pain, it really helps relieve the suffering from that pain.”
While Miller’s group relies on coffee and conversation, another men’s group in Bethel centers its meetings around tasks to help local organizations.
Bob Iles started hosting weekly gatherings of the Congo Craftsmen in his garage 20 years ago. It began with six members of the local West Parish Congregational Church. (“Congo” refers to the congregation.) The church needed card holders for the back of the pews, so the men’s breakfast group agreed to make them.
Since then the group has done 150 projects for a variety of different nonprofits, including the local land trust, chamber of commerce, library, historical society and nearby towns. They’ve made new counters, display shelves, trail kiosks, lending libraries, hexagonal outdoor tables and wooden chandeliers.
They work for a couple hours Monday morning, and then have coffee and chat. It’s the project and sense of accomplishment, Iles said, that keeps members coming back. The group is made up of men who had all been successful in their careers but found themselves retired with nowhere they needed to be on a Monday morning.
Now there are 10 members, and only about half also attend the church. Iles is the oldest member at 91, but the group has added new members recently, including some in their 60s.
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